BEING PROUD

Photo by Athena Kabylafkas

Hhhmm, gosh, I feel good. I mean today I was on track with things. I am prioritizing the thing that matter.  I am experiencing a sense of peace that time is on my side right at this moment.  Who knows when my memoirs will go to print.  SELF, INC. is far more important than anything I can complete.  My works I mean.  I am in the flow of writing again which has not happened in years.  I cannot remember the last time I fell into the groove of creating.  The ambiance and the room I am in is so perfect for this.  I am sitting on top of my hippy comforter.  I feel like a little girl discovering her gifts.  I have always wrote, I always told stories.  Now I am doing both again.

My Avatar would be one of a teenage girl, with long dark chestnut hair and eager hazel eyes.  She would be fearless and courageous and outrageously romantic.  Fantasies of angels and mystical beings dance inside her head.  It is her children’s story that has been writing itself and is yet to come to realization.  That one day will be her masterpiece.  In the meantime, she inspires me, because she is a survivor.  She is doing her best to resist the fears that have crawled into her world at the hand of predators.  No matter how I say it, it never comes out the way one would think.  She was sexually assaulted. That is probably better to say it that way. After all it is the fucking truth!!

When I think about my perpetrators I just want to scream and rage.  Back in the day, when it would come out in fits of mania, I would draw to me animals of destruction.  I would be scathed, scratched and torn at with jagged nails and gashing teeth.  I became a Mary Magdalene to many. Treated like a used rag. Outcasted.  Well, I am screaming and raging now and it feels damn good.  I am the mother to that 15 year old girl and I am going to let her express herself any way she wants to.  I have created a safe space for that and no one and nothing is going to prevent her from feeling her Will.  She has not forgotten how to fly, how to dream and how to live.  She is my muse and her journey has been a long and arduous one.  But she can see the horizon, we can both see it.