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Photo by Simon Migaj from Pexels

I am going into my fourth year of recovery from my two conditions; Bipolar I and CPTSD.  It is hard for me to believe sometimes that I am actually alive and now I have a colorful, sometimes troubles story to tell.

I live in Colorado and the picture above reminds me of the Rockies, maybe they are the Rockies. Anyway, I guess my life is currently in a state of flux.  I am experiencing a strange sort of nirvana, bliss and numbness all at the same time. My partner and I are coming apart at the seams and I am no longer up to sewing us back together again.  I have used everything from a glue stick, staples, needle and thread. This one I am handing over the control. I am getting out of the driver’s seat and letting myself relax in the passenger’s seat while God jumps into the front seat.  This can either become a nightmare or an amiable parting or a deeper place of communion of the minds.  I am actually getting prepared for any and all of the possible scenarios but not playing out any outcomes. That is God’s department.

I really do not know what I am up for. So, I am going to sit back, put my feet up with their freshly painted toenails and exhale. That is right…exhale. It is part of my self care techniques.  Bringing myself to center by doing some deep breathing from within my belly, holding and then exhaling.  Letting the heat build up in my core and bringing me to a state of grounding. Strange to be doing that without having to report to anyone. Sorry but it is true.  Liberation is part of my Mission Statement for myself. And as each day goes by and my partner and I keep walking in the opposite direction, the stronger my wings become and the ache to fly starts to consume me.

The word that I got when I was doing my prayers is for me to be still and to allow things to just happen. I mean just let go and anticipate the best no matter what. You know that you are in recovery when something like this does not make you want to jump ship and let neurosis creep in.  Not here…no creepy crawlies here sir! Time to dance this one on my own…for whose to know what is possible for me?


IMG_20200207_195149_502I squandered so much of my time on things that destroyed my chances at a successful recovery…until I woke up. I woke up to present day, the Now, and realized the choice was upto me. Did I want to die from my disorders or did I want to make peace with them?

So often I would blame my past and the broken people in it for making me sick. But the game of life, the real game of life is not played that way. Especially if you want to win. So, I got on my knees and prayed for guidance. No one can define that for you, what or who is your source of help or aid. But I truly believe my guidance comes from the God I believe in.

Sure it took me to fall in the mud and get stuck there many times over. But I got out because I reached out. And a power greater than I could ever be solo, took my hand and gave me the strength and hope that I could do it. So as I go into my fourth year of a full recovery I am humbled. Still more to learn and more to do. But my house is build on solid rock this time, or solid mind however you want to look at it, and I’m not afraid to decorate and rearrange the furniture. 🙂