I am going into my fourth year of recovery from my two conditions; Bipolar I and CPTSD. It is hard for me to believe sometimes that I am actually alive and now I have a colorful, sometimes troubles story to tell.
I live in Colorado and the picture above reminds me of the Rockies, maybe they are the Rockies. Anyway, I guess my life is currently in a state of flux. I am experiencing a strange sort of nirvana, bliss and numbness all at the same time. My partner and I are coming apart at the seams and I am no longer up to sewing us back together again. I have used everything from a glue stick, staples, needle and thread. This one I am handing over the control. I am getting out of the driver’s seat and letting myself relax in the passenger’s seat while God jumps into the front seat. This can either become a nightmare or an amiable parting or a deeper place of communion of the minds. I am actually getting prepared for any and all of the possible scenarios but not playing out any outcomes. That is God’s department.
I really do not know what I am up for. So, I am going to sit back, put my feet up with their freshly painted toenails and exhale. That is right…exhale. It is part of my self care techniques. Bringing myself to center by doing some deep breathing from within my belly, holding and then exhaling. Letting the heat build up in my core and bringing me to a state of grounding. Strange to be doing that without having to report to anyone. Sorry but it is true. Liberation is part of my Mission Statement for myself. And as each day goes by and my partner and I keep walking in the opposite direction, the stronger my wings become and the ache to fly starts to consume me.
The word that I got when I was doing my prayers is for me to be still and to allow things to just happen. I mean just let go and anticipate the best no matter what. You know that you are in recovery when something like this does not make you want to jump ship and let neurosis creep in. Not here…no creepy crawlies here sir! Time to dance this one on my own…for whose to know what is possible for me?